Saturday, 21 July 2012

Sad Day For Brazil

Can we all take a moment to remember Neymar how he used to be. Team GB played Brazil last night in what was meant to be a friendly warm up game before the impending Olympics. Da da da da! Betrand (something many South Africans do..) didnt get the memo and delivered an appalling judo chop to poor, little Neymar's neck. It may be broken ad there is a chance he may never kick a ball again. Kicking it with Elvis in a gay bar. That's my idea of hell. 

This video's title, although obviously written by a retard, uses the word 'skill.' He is a skilled f*ckbag that is the only thing we can be sure of. The physio doesn't even know where to place the ruddy, bloody ice!

Manchezza United like swimming.

We've seen Liverpool go for the wetsuit look this season (very dashing...*awkward turtle*) and not to be outdone by those jolly old scousers, United have gotten in on the water theme. They have not committed themselves to the cause the way Liverpool have but the shorts for their away kit certainly look like a pair of swimming trunks. Hopefully once they've gotten over their love of all things gingham this season I will never have to clap eyes on the stuff again. You should not be proud of yourselves right now Manchester. Or Nike. Or Rooney's hair. 

There's only one pussy in this picture and it's not  asleep.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Super Mario: A 10 Part Film Guide

Mario on a rollercoaster.

Chelsea Go On The Attack

Before we continue, Chelsea have recently been taking some interest in Eden's wee brother, Thorgan. Yep, that's Eden & Thorgan Hazard, The Hazard Brothers. Just thought I'd let you know.

 If Thorgan were to move to the West London team, he would have to be careful not to get lost in attacking midfield crowds. Eden Hazard was purchased for £32mill from Lille (that's his new song btw.) and Weder Bremen's Marko Marin aka The German Messi, signed for £6.5m. Chelsea's shopping list is vastly extensive still. A £25m offer for Theo Walcott was apparently rejected by Arsenal who instead would prefer to pay him £100,000 a year (??) and another £25m offer for Internacional midfielder, Oscar, has been agreed. Then there are the likes of De Bruyne, Mata and Sturridge already vying for places at the Bridge. Chelsea are certainly making their intentions for next season clear. 

Jokey Ba'ha'ton

This is brilliant. Sheffield Wednesday are apparently interested in Joey I'm So Good I'm Too Good For The England Team; I'm The Best Midfielder And Philosopher In The World Barton. 

I like cake. 

He of little ego has been hand chosen by the best team in...Sheffield. As you know, Sheffield is very hilly which puts reporters off big style so hopefully Barton will be lost for all eternity. Owls boss Dave Jones, who hasn't been taking his medication recently, reckons Barton would fit in perfectly at his club because, 'He has a reputation, but then so have a number of players...' In England? In Europe? In the world? No. The end of that sentence is in fact, 'we've got at this club.' I'm not sure what Jones is trying to achieve. Maybe he is a kind hearted soul and he is trying to give all the retarded loons of the land a place to feel comfort and love. Maybe he has got a dark side the rest of couldn't even imagine. What with Sheffield United and their rapists, I'm starting to think Sheffield may not be a travel destination of choice. I already have been and I already know this to be true, but these stories aren't making me doubt my decision making skills. I'll have the gherkin. 
I think Jones is mental. Joey Barton struggled for form with QPR and they wouldn't be able to even deploy his crap on the pitch for the first 12 games. Then again, old Davey boy has just signed renowned Slovenian forward, Nejc Pecnik (?). You wouldn't ask him for help with your fantasy football team would you? 

The Things I Would Do To Heskey...

Sunday, 15 July 2012

Range Rovered

By now you all know that Rangers are crap. They deal with money as though life is one big game of monopoly and it got them in deep trouble. Naughty naughty, shakey finger in your face. Anyway, remember your favourite doll when you were little? Well, it was never really your favourite, it just somehow survived throughout time and somehow managed to end up in your house every time you moved to try and escape in what could only be down to a real life Toy Story moment. Yeah, that toy. Anyway, it's as shabby as sin and then the dog bites his head off and an eye goes missing. Your drunk nan comes in and after singing the entire rendition of seven drunken nights, she decides to fix this doll for you and it ends up like this....

Yeah well this doll represents Rangers Newco. All the giblets off the factory floor have been glued together and have been voted back into the fourth tier of Scottish football. The tier comprised of men whose full time jobs are at the likes of Greggs and they use shirts for goal posts. Can someone remind me why Scottish footba even exists, please!? It's all over my head.  To get an idea of the differences between Rangers and their new opponents, here is a little chart showing average attendances:

Only 46,003 to go East Stirling. Laughing Stock. The lemon is not lemony enough. Almonds are massive in Sicily. Maybe Rangers are too. I wonder what the odds are on Celtic to win the SPL next season?

Day Glo

It's a bit of a slow day on the old football front. Unless you are a Villa fan. If you are not, you can probably skip this story. So I can imagine by now I have no readers left. That's fine. All other teams suck ass. Sucky sucky sucky. I hate you all. My left ball is distinctly bigger than my right. Jokes. I know you all love Villa. Truth in the ball story like but anyway....for the first time in 20 years, ASTON VILLA HAVE WON A GAME against the trojans of the West Midlands, Burton Albion. Don't let the fact they play for League 2 fool you, B.A. are a tough crew. They put the creepers into me. Not into Lamber's lads though, oh no. Villa smashed them 2-1 which means we are going to win the Premiership now. Place your bets, it's a sure thang. 

Harrow, today we dance.

The 2,500 Villa fans who braved the 5 day trek across hell and high water never stopped singing and even invented a new song, the clever beggars. "We glow in the dark, we glow in the dark...We're Aston Villa and we glow in the dark!" All of this is enamouring me to our away shirt big time which is quite upsetting. I'll have a tattoo of it by the end of the week, on my face no doubt. I glow in the dark, I glow in the dark, my balls are uneven, I glow in the dark.

We call this move, the 'Lambert.' Soon to be seen on a dancefloor near you.

Anyways, this is getting me very excited about the new season. We are about to go across the pond and stomp all over America's sh*tty soccer teams and then we'll be reet for our opening Claret & Blue extravaganza against West Ham. Did you know, because they are a charity case, we actually donated some of our used and smelly shirts to West Ham. Once they figured out they couldn't use the DNA to format a Aston Villa: The Second Coming they simply decided to wear the cast-offs instead. Hence, to this day, they continue to wear Claret & Blue. They will always be imitators. 

Friday, 13 July 2012

G.Nev Is Tough

Applauded pundit and strike leader, Gary Neville is apparently a bit messed up after his years holding the line in battle at Man Utd. He still thinks he is playing football. Collective awh please. If you see him in the street, remember, a friendly smile goes a long way. 

Oh na, na...what's me name? Oh nan, where am I? 

He was seen, thumping his chest and doing a rain dance in warning to Man City. He reckons they don't have a cat in hells chance of winning the league next season. Yeahhh Gary, ok son. Manchester United have resolve, I will give them that but they have a lot of work to do if they want to catch an already brilliant about to get better City. The ambition of the two teams seems chasms apart right now. Only a fool would write United off, and I am no such fool, but their boring style of football is sure to fade behind City's ever sparkling team of Adonises.
What he actually said was, "It's a tough league to win and the idea that a team will go and dominate, it's too early to start speculating about that." Not really, Gazza. I would say we are in an exciting speculating season. De Nile is not just a river in Egypt. 
He may have a point, once Rooney is back surrounded by his native Scottish brogue, he's sure to remember how to play football again. And Giggs everlasting, he's pretty good too.

Don't you love these pre-season stories. Ex-ci-ting.

New Stuff Is Better!

Why is new stuff always better? Like new friends. They are always so shiny and funny and such good people with no faults! For like a week. And then the real them comes out. Not like your best mates who are all arses. It is a sign of how good friends you are with someone, how often and bitterly you can call them a bellend. If you walk into the pub and shout "Bellend!", the only men that will turn around will be the ones with truely good mates. Everyone calls me a bellend and it is because I am loved by the community. I am like Adebayor. He's awesome, so say the horse riders of north LDN. Yep, he is so good they have pretty much sealed the deal and bought him. Even though he was already there on loan. Yawn, this is barely a story but there we go. So Adebayor (his mums a whore but don't let him hear you say it) joins Vertonghen and Sigurdsson, entering the White Hart Lane shack of love. Free Loving for all. As long as your name's not Harry. We No Love Harry Long Time. Unless you have a voucher. Top trump.
They also apparently are in the market for Pienaar amoung the numerous other players AVB wants in his new fam-i-lyy. 

Over in Jonny Foreigner land, PSG have just robbed a bank and have loadsadosh and they want everyone to know it. Their new gold plated seats, diamond encrusted season tickets and new Caviar mascot, named Mario, are simply not making the headlines. PSG are not happy. They have thrown down their ruby gauntlet, hired the help of Man City's publicist and low and behold, they are on the map again. The French 'giants' have decided they want to sign Ibramahimovic and Thiago Silva for  £51.4m from AC Milan as Berlusconi desperately needs money to fund his next bunga bunga party which will be bigger and better than ever because f*ck football. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

Terrible news for AC Milan to be losing their 2 best players but PSG could be one to watch over the next couple of years. They are looking tasty to win Ligue 1 next year and if they keep building, the Championship's the limit.

I'm the number one, best player EVER! Yeah baby.

Over in the blissfully ignorant Michael Owen land, where the clouds are made of marshmallows and even cripples find a place in top football teams, Monsieur Owen has taken to Twitter to reveal he is still on the market ladies, and looking to pull. Only if you are way out of his league however, and really don't need him interfering in your's just how he rolls. Why he doesn't just give up and move to Horse Land where I feel he will settle in much more suitably, is anyone's guess. 

Happy People

Alas, it is all over :( On the plus side, John Terry's good name had been cleared so he can go back to being the saintly cockney we know and love with a good catholic family, always living on the right side of the law. It's official Opposites Day today. Or is it? Am I happy or is life crashing down around me? Who knows. Is Terry in fact really innocent or is he in fact a member of the KKK. Well, for now, he is a definite non-racist. Huzzah everybody!

Even though he could be seen mouthing 'black c*nt' on camera, it is felt that there is a lack of evidence as noone really heard it and the context in which it was spoken cannot be established. The trial may be over, but let's not let this following story be forgotten.
During the trial, there was a slight misunderstanding when John Terry was being asked to repeat evidence that he had been sent off four times in his career. "Can you say, please, four times?" asked his QC. John Terry replied, "Please, please, please, please." Then looked startled as the jury began to crack up. Poor ickle Terry didn't know what was going on. 

But there you go! It's all over now. Luckily no fat lady sang and it's a nice big slap in the face to Mr.TwatBag UK, Rio Ferdinand. Alls well that ends well.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

The Ugly 2012/13

 A wetsuit, a warrior and a turban walk into a bar...Liverpool Away & 3rd Kits and Man Utd home

Oh Dear.

I may stand corrected. I have just seen that this vulgar offering is supposed to be Arsenal's away kit. If you are going to deviate from the yellow norms, at least make it attractive. This really is horrible.

The Bad 2012/13

To be honest, I feel a bit harsh calling some of these shirts 'bad' as I don't think they are. Especially the Reading, Southampton and Wigans shirts. Last season I had very definite ideas of what shirts I liked and didn't whereas my lines are much more blurred this season. I have the shirts I really like such as Chelsea's and the shirts I really detest and then some floating around in shirty limbo. I don't hate them, I don't love them but for the good, the bad and the ugly theme to work, sacrifices must be made. These shirts generally bore me a bit or simply were missing that je ne sais quoi to boost them up a grade.  Newcastle's away shirt I will admit I have taken a massive disliking too but it had been saved this year by truely horrendous offerings.
Man Utd Away. Shirt's ok, but they aren't going swimming so no idea what's up with the shorts.

The Good 2012/13

West Brom Home Kit

Liverpool Home Kit

Green Grass

Good news indeed for Heskey's love child, Andy Carroll. 

I'm well bevvied. Which way to the pitch, laaa?

The lucky lad has interested West Ham and I could not think of a better club to play for. With such straight-up people like Sullivan, Gold, (have you seen the tits on) Brady and Big Sam at the reins...why, what more could you want? As far from a corrupt, money-hungry, deluded group as you could ever wish to get. And as a fellow, non-corrupt, non-greedy, friend of the animals, Carroll should fit straight in. And the fact he is a striker that doesn't do exactly what he says on the tin fits in perfectly with the West 'Am motto. West Ham: We Aren't Ronseal. Partnership made in heaven. 

Damn Straight. I am Ron Seal and don't forget it.

It's been looking likely that Carroll would be loaned out since the arrival of Rodgers, who doesn't appear to be a fan. When he was 5 years old, he was involved in a tragic donkey accident on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. You all know donkeys vary dramatically according to their difficulty levels and Rodgers was put on adrenaline junkie, Whizz. Whizz wasn't even meant to be anywhere near children after recently being put on an undisclosed register so poor Brendan didn't stand a chance and now he can't look a gift-donkey in the mouth. He was rumoured to have told A.C, 'Eeeeyore out, lad! Don't Assk me again. Mule be looking for another job,' Before feeding him a carrot and giving him a hefty slap on the rump. Apparently Brendan doesn't approve of drunken donkeys galloping around Anfield and messing up the turf. Shocker.